Our society has moved on and has adopted all western values. Or is it a situation where we have partly remained traditional and partly a confused society? What has happened to our traditional communal character? We have become so westernised that we are no longer bothered by anything happening away from our immediate families.
This past two weeks I witnessed activities that left me outright confused. I still have no right explanation for these. In the villages where I grew up, social cohesion amongst the people was part of our being. People shared all the emerging chores and duties. This was more pronounced particularly in times of bereavement and weddings where the whole family clan and the village had a role to play. These roles and duties included sharing the costs of funerals and weddings, and this included each member of the family, clan and to some extent the whole village. In case of death, once such was announced, the entire village would gather at the homestead of the family of the departed.
This was during the days when we had no mortuaries in our villages, and the funeral would take place immediately. As part of the obligation, relatives and clan members would bring grain and other food stuffs to cater for those who would be engaged in different chores at the bereaved family home. This same response was also extended to weddings as the family would contribute towards the feast.
In each of these two ceremonies, it was a given that all family members and the clan were duty bound to somehow assist. For the bereaved, these duties included grave digging, providing firewood, and preparation of the homestead and all the foodstuffs. Both funerals and weddings were not expensive and families never had to worry about the financial strains endured in the modern era.
But now things have changed, and with our society becoming part of the so-called global village, we are witnessing a complete change in the involvement of people and relatives.
In the days where there were no mortuaries as indicated earlier, the expenses related to death were generally minimal. With the introduction of the service, funerals have become highly costly. It is not cheap to keep a corpse in the mortuary and the cost of coffins/caskets are just high. What is even more costly is the catering during the time leading to the actual funeral. I hear Kgosi Kgari III of Bakwena once tried to put control over this. The expenses are normally the responsibility of the immediate family members.
It is sad that all expectations are that one family must outclass another, and this doesn’t come cheap. What is even becoming emotionally burdensome is that even the insurance industries have joined in the fray with somewhat curious funeral covers that enhance the competition. We have actually been drawn into the business of thinking of death and not old age safety networks. People would rather take a funeral cover than a health plan. Traditional burial societies that were started by tribesman and women at the height of the migrant labour system away from home have also died a slow death.
The said communal responsibilities have become a thing of the past and the extended family and village moral fibre is dead. We have reached a level where we even don’t attend funerals that are supposedly not well-endowed (maso a sa nonang).Ceremonies have become the responsibility of the affected families while the rest wait at a distance for the final day where there is attendant food. We have copied the ways of the west but we are not doing it right, but we have also abandoned our own ways. So, in essence, we are a confused lot. We are neither traditional nor a western people. We are just a confused and lost lot!
IN DEFENCE OF BOFEPUSU ON ENDORSEMENT
I wish to commend and defend BOFEPUSU for taking the bold step not to endorse any of our political parties going into this year’s elections.
In fact, I read a lot in the union’s new stance not to endorse any party for this year’s general election. Remember in 2014 this mother body of the workers’ unions was very clear about wanting their members to vote for the UDC. This is because at the time, the biggest enemy to the workers was one Ian Khama who had in 2011 vowed he would never increase civil servants’ salaries no matter how many times the workers would strike. And Khama kept his word.
He never improved the working conditions of the civil servants. He kept his distance from the needs of the workers until he stepped down from being President. Khama literally bullied the workers and treated them with utter disdain. Yet he never had a problem when salary increases wanted by MPs in parliament benefitted him. Yes in the past he called MPs vultures when he was still Vice President and wanted voters to like him. Khama is at it again making himself look like a Messiah.
Today he goes around claiming he and his BPF party have answers to the plight of the workers. He is the one who even decreased the student allowances and now goes around claiming he would increase them once his BPF party and the UDC are elected into power. All along as state president, he never listened even to his cabinet ministers when they advised him on matters of national interest. He refused to increase old pension stipends and refused to increase student allowances. Now all of a sudden he claims he will increase all these? Obviously those leaders at BOFEPUSU are not fools. They have not forgotten how Khama treated them.
They at least see that President Masisi’s approach is a bit accommodating and that he is trying something than to flatly refuse as did his predecessor. And the union leaders do not trust Masisi either. They feel he is not showing enough commitment to the workers’ plight despite his promises that things will improve. But then again, the same union leaders can no longer trust the UDC because of the party’s association with Khama. Union leaders are smart people. They can read the dynamics on the ground. With the UDC teaming up with Khama this time around, there is no way the union leaders are going to be comfortable with a man who made the workers’ lives a living hell while handing millions of pula to his associates such as the former DIS boss.
The man literally arm twisted his cabinet and MPs into amending retired presidential benefits to enrich himself. He literally created a good lifestyle for himself and never cared about the workers. And now the UDC President Duma Boko is on record saying Khama should be forgiven all his atrocities. How do we expect the union leaders to trust Boko after all these that Khama has done? What deal does Boko and Khama have? As I say, union leaders are smart individuals with independent minds and analytical skills. So Boko can’t fool them by saying it is not Khama the UDC was fighting but the BDP. That is taking the workers and Batswana for granted. If it was about BDP and not Khama, why then did Boko repeatedly call for Khama and Isaac Kgosi’s prosecution? Was Kgosi even BDP? The unions can’t easily fall for a situation where Khama is going to be brought back into our lives again.
Remember Boko initially denied vehemently, that the UDC was in cahoots with Khama, until the truth came out later. Can he and the UDC be trusted again like they were trusted in 2014? It is for this reason that we should understand why it is difficult for BOFEPUSU to endorse the UDC again. And it is understandable why they also do not want to endorse Masisi and the BDP because they equally do not have enough assurances to trust him. The best is for the union leadership to do what they did – to remain neutral and let every worker decide on their own. It is only fair. We cannot therefore be slamming BOFEPUSU for refusing to take a stand.
The political party leaders have not done anything to convince the unions that they deserve their endorsement. So let every man fend for himself independent of the union’s stance. Besides, the union members as individuals are already aligned to various parties of their choice. Some were still going to defy the union’s stance. But it would have been an atrocity for the union to openly endorse any party associating with Khama, a man who literally bullied civil servants as president. So well done to BOFEPUSU for refusing to endorse anyone. A go iperekelweng.
Perfect partners do not exist, you will stay single forever
While everybody else is settling, getting married and getting laid, a sizable number of our lady friends remain alone because they seem to have standards which our men are not meeting. These women remain lonely and promise to stay put until somebody worth their value comes along. The sad part is: he ain’t coming, not now and not in the future.
Mothers to these children who seem decent, well-raised and mature to settle and yet aren’t settling, are worried. They secretly consult fortune tellers and even prophets to find out why their children aren’t finding anyone to make a family with. A conversation with such people who seem to be victims of women/men’s low ranking qualities proves something else. For many years I have met and conversed with such ladies and their problem was so simple to solve that they laughed upon discovering the real problem.
When a girl isn’t getting married and yet is threatening to be forty years, you will often find she talks about the man she wants and that she hasn’t found such and won’t settle for less. She describes this man as having to possess gentleness, empathy, sensitivity, caring, sweetness, compassion, tolerance, nurturance, deference, aesthetic passion, and succorance. She needs a man who can chat a lot and ask her how her work has been and be as sensitive as a digital thermometer.
But such qualities are the qualities of a woman and not a man. In short, the high standards some women have in their search for men aren’t high standards, they are simply irrelevant standards: standards for women. And because it isn’t easy to find a man who behaves just like a woman, these women won’t be finding suitors for a long long time. They will wait and live on one night stands or celibacy for a long time. A good number of women don’t notice that men are different from women in a lot of ways. They think men are just a woman version that has beards and a hoarse voice.
I once listened to Beyonce’s song – If I was a boy – which talks about what she would do if she were a boy. Most of the things she talks about are so girly that it’s not hard to realize that even Beyonce, the iconic woman, has a problem understanding that no boy fits her imaginations.
John Gray in his book, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ and Steve Harvey in his book, ‘Think like a man, act like a lady,’ did a great job showing women what men are like. I guess it’s always going to be better hearing men describe what a man is like. For a woman who confuses the two, let me help you to understand the difference between a man and a woman. Although that might sound too obvious if not silly, this is helpful in stopping you from the frustrating act of looking for women standards in men. While women obsess so much about appearance, men care less how they look and will do hairstyles that are as simple as shaving off hair. On the contrary, men care a lot about a woman’s looks and will keep a woman for her “hotness.” Women believe that cleaning dishes is a priority and a kitchen mess has to be cleaned by someone, but men place much importance on washing cars.
While a man pays attention to what someone says, a woman normally pays attention to the way a person speaks, particularly their attitude. Men laugh when they find something to be funny but a woman will only laugh if she thinks her environment allows it and its appropriate. Women have a larger hippocampus. This is where we store memories. This is why women can recall every single word of an argument from 5 years ago while men struggle to remember things that happened 5 days ago. “Women will tend to want to interact with colleagues after a stressful meeting or interact with family, friends, and relatives at the end of a busy day. These activities help women produce oxytocin, increase relaxation, and relieve stress, which in itself produces even more oxytocin, a critical stress-reducing hormone.” – Annis & Nesbitt.
“After a long stressful meeting or at the end of a busy day, men tend to want to shut down and drift off – close off the world for a little while. Men tend to retreat and seek solitude or engage in some low-involvement activity, such as watching the news or sports, or working on a small project. It’s a natural tendency in a man to “turn off” to replenish testosterone, and that releases his stress, relaxes, and re-energizes him.” – Annis & Nesbitt. Men and women are so different that those looking for a man with the qualities of woman won’t find such. There are men who won’t marry because the standards they have set of a woman they want are men’s standards.
They want someone who doesn’t worry a lot and is bold and brave and says less. Women have a larger anterior cortex, which means they spend more time ruminating, trying to process emotions and worrying. Women have higher rates of anxiety than men. Researchers think this might come down to the highly sensitized female anterior cortex. Naturally, it’s easy frightening a woman than a man. When my two kids arrive from school I usually hide in the house to frighten them and laugh at the whole panic thing – I am that immature sometimes. My daughter normally panics more than my son. It’s normal and I laugh a lot.
So I imagine a woman who won’t settle because she accuses guys of not being open, nurturing, sociable and hygienic. Since when have guys beaten women on issues of hygiene? Recently in South Africa, a young guy found himself confused after he fell in love with a girl because he felt the girl behaved like a guy and said that he has always wanted a girl who behaves like a guy. Women often behave like guys and that’s for about two minutes. So this guy fell in love with this girl and when the girl began to behave girly, the relationship broke apart and the guy confessed that he prefers dating boys. Boys will be boys and it’s unfair to expect boy standards from girls.
An online magazine known as Business Insider mentions that “Women’s expectations of the opposite sex are at least as unrealistic as men’s.” Now I don’t know about you but every time I ask women what they want from a man, I find they are talking about a woman. I ask a guy what he wants and he talks about sex all the time. A real woman is not going to have sex all the time or make it her first priority, so unaware, this guy is talking about another man.
Note that you’re having unrealistic standards if: You reject a decent person for no apparent reason, talking about ‘he is not my type.’
Talk about how there are no good women or men
A relationship with you needs serious qualifications
Most of the people you rate as good lovers are celebrities
You expect a guy or girl to love what you love
You fantasize about a perfect guy in a world of imperfect people
If you have the above tendencies, unless you stop, you will die alone or never get laid and enjoy sex & intimacy.
Kindly open your eyes to the fact that if you are not perfect, it is unreasonable to expect a perfect lover. When setting your standards, at least care enough to expect manly things from a man instead of expecting a man to behave like a woman.
You should find a man and let your lady friends do some of the things you were expecting from him especially in line with social interactivity.
Your prospects for getting love have been thrown under the bus if your fantasy guy has been in your head since your pre-teen pop-star crush days. “You’ve always loved building these bubbly fantasy lands in your head that you can run away too.
There is nothing wrong with that if you are grounded enough to realize that these are just fantasies, not reality. You will find a guy one day, but if you are banking on him being exactly like your trophy fantasy guy, then you’re making the already tough game of dating a lot harder for yourself. That’s because real humans have flaws, rough edges, and imperfections, but that’s what makes people so unique, special and fun to get to know. Since you are so focused on finding that guy who is different and special, then why not start by breaking outside the fantasy a little bit? Trust me, you will be surprised,” writes Michelle in 15 signs you’re too picky.
K.A. Bareki is the author of Sex & Intimacy 101 and can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org
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