Recently I suffered accusations of bringing our nation into disrepute when I stated that “Batswana are bad at sex.” My sentiments were shared in The Midweek Sun from an interview they did with me at a writers’ workshop in Kanye.
This baptism of accusations came from natives who wondered where I got the audacity to appoint myself a national sex judge. It is of no surprise to me because human beings are intrinsically defensive and often do little to no self-introspection.
What shocked me were those Batswana who blatantly admitted that Batswana have no history, culture or education from which they can derive sexual excellence let alone claim it. After years of speaking, writing about sex and dealing with sexual issues on Botswana’s romantic landscape, I couldn’t agree more.
If anything, I feel unapologetic about the infamous “Batswana are bad at sex” statement. To start with, Botswana is not ranked among countries that can be associated with sexual satisfaction. The Top 10 Most Sexually Satisfied Countries are Nigeria 67%, Mexico 63%, India 61%, Poland 54%, Greece 51%, Holland 50%, South Africa 50%, Spain 49%, Canada 48% and USA 48%.
By sexual satisfaction we mean free from stress, ability to orgasm, free from sexual dysfunction, frequency of sex and foreplay. In my humble view, Botswana is more concerned about conducting an HIV/AIDS survey or preventing transmission of the same than topping global charts of sexual satisfaction.
As a result, the average Motswana is knowledgeable on using a condom than on foreplay or tackling erectile dysfunction. In various interviews I conducted randomly across the country, only 10% of Botswana’s women admitted being sexually satisfied.
In a rare instance, 57 women out of 300 admitted that their men were satisfactory in doing hanky-panky. That’s basically 19% which is still nothing to write home about. This below mediocre performance is also admitted by our men who lament that Batswana women are inactive in bed and seem clueless about being sexually savvy.
You don’t have to take my word for it. Botswana’s sexual satisfaction record is reflected in heightening divorces, sexual harassment and the growing prostitution industry which thrives on sex hunger. These problems express and should bring us to admit the fact that concerning sex, Batswana are naïve, hungry and frustrated.
I have also dealt with sex issues that came my way by virtue of being the author of “Sex and Intimacy 101,” a best selling book that has done 10, 000 copies in Botswana.
The issues reported by lovers concerning sexual dissatisfaction express deep-seated problems in our society. Providing condoms and ARVs is a good effort, while ignoring to deal with sexual dissatisfaction in Botswana is self-defeating and regressive because sexual diseases thrive on sexual hunger. It’s a song I have sung for too long without being heard by policy makers.
Despite our country’s projected underperformance in attaining a decent sexual satisfaction record, sex continues to be more pivotal to life than we can possibly imagine. Research shows that sex prevents the spread of prostate cancer in men, and breast cancer in women if breast sucking and massaging are done during foreplay.
Women who avoid sex reach menopause early. Sex is cardiac exercise and a calorie burner. It’s an emotional intelligence tool in the sense that it enhances mood, thus keeping lovers jovial and patriotic to each other. The stress relieving aspect of sex implies that a society devoid of sexual enjoyment is stressed and full of conflicts and quarrels.
That’s more work for our judges, physiologists and psychiatrists. It makes logical sense that a nation that is deprived of sexual satisfaction has high medical bills, overworked social workers who spend time dealing with sexual conundrums masqueraded as social problems.
It’s more work for our priests who have to deal with a deteriorating moral landscape and while at it, are often caught up in name wrecking sexual scandals leaving us in utter shock and authenticity doubt.
To prevent this grotesque reality from continuing to manifest, I will share some snippets from my bestselling book, “Sex and Intimacy 101” which is written primarily to promote sexual enjoyment.
Firstly, it is very important to understand the opposite sex. If you are going to satisfy a woman sexually you have to take time to study and understand her biological, social, psychological and even physiological makeup and vice versa.
The problem with our men is that they have sex with women while having done no home work in studying and understanding women. This is the main reason for dismal performance in bed.
Secondly, sexual enjoyment demands that we create a proper environment for sex. This includes bedding, sex furniture, lubricants, toys, clothes and even music. Playing that Westlife song as you hump creates an environment comparable to listening to house/rave music as you hit the gym.
Imagine exercising in a gym that is as silent as a library. How in the world do some lovers make love without music? In my book “Sex and Intimacy 101,” I explain how creating the right sexual environment is vital in the pursuit of sexual enjoyment.
After one has created the right environment, it is important to give considerable amount of time to performing intense, knowledgeable and passionate foreplay. I am not talking about 2-3 minutes uniformed foreplay followed by letting the snake out to play.
“It’s particularly important for women to have successful foreplay because it takes a woman a longer time [than a man] to get up to the level of arousal needed to orgasm,” admits “Dr. Ruth” Westheimer, EdD, a psychosexual therapist, professor at New York University, and lecturer at Yale and Princeton universities.
If you’re going to have the kind of sex that can humble a pornstar and keeps your lover from the claws of sex pests, explore various sex positions not merely for the shallow goal of making acrobatic stunts but for the purpose of achieving sexual enjoyment and satisfaction.
Some positions delay orgasm making the session to last longer while some drive the body home creating an epic experience. To perform well in bed, lovers should eat aphrodisiacs. This simply means sex food.
My book is packed with a list of such food and reasons why certain foods are essentially the fuel behind good sex performance.
Lastly, learn how to deal with problems that impede sexual enjoyment like vaginal dryness, erectile dysfunction, and libido decline. Sex prowess cannot be claimed by anyone who has no clue on how to deal with sexual challenges.
Instead of being knowledgeable on how to deliver satisfying sexual experience, some people would rather be self-proclaimed detectives who resort to policing instead of satisfying. Unbeknown to them, their lovers continue the relentless and unending search for good sex.
Now BPF calls Khama His Majesty!
My good friend Biggie Butale has upped the ante in the hazy maze of traditional leadership and politics.
I hear that he is now addressing the Patron of his party – Botswana Patriotic Front – Lt. Gen. Dr. Ian Khama Seretse Khama, as “His Majesty.” Nothing wrong with this if it’s meant as mere reverence for the traditional position that Khama holds as Chief of Bangwato. However, I sense a completely different motive! Biggie is appealing to the gullibility and sensibility of the hoi polloi; he knows that village folks revere traiditional leadership and trust it with their lives. It is much easier to sell Khama as a ‘King’ or ‘Emperor’ if you will than to introduce him as ‘Patron’ of BPF. Most ordinary folk would be confused – it’s best to appeal to their tribal sentiments.
In many parts of Central District Khama is loved as Kgosi, former Army Commander; former President and son of Foundiing President. These titles are etched in the minds of many. But as for Patron of a new party – a party that broke away from his father’s Botswan Democratic Party, that is unheard of; it is sacrilege! But being a smart man, Biggie is quite aware of all these hence his uncanny approach, if some would consider it so.
He must manage the delicate balance of pleasing the masses of the people and maintaining the enigmatic character of his Master! I tell you this requires special, in fact rare skills! But somehow, Biggie’s approach is also fitting like a glove to the hand, in the subtle narrative, that has long held Ian Khama as Paramount Chief of Botswana. Some people have told me that they always suspected that our founding president (MHSRIP) could’ve unknowingly encouraged this narrative when he installed Ian Khama as Kgosi of Bangwato on 8th May 1979 in Serowe, the capital of GammaNgwato! Unlike other Tswana magosi, Khama was draped with a lion’s skin and not the leopard skin as is customary. Magosi in Botswana are revered as ‘Maapara Nkwe’ but in many respects, Ian’s coronation was a departure from this norm.
Further, he was installed Kgosi whist still serving in the army and so on that day, he wore his military uniform! Although in his speech Sir Seretse Khama counselled his son with so much wisdom, telling him without mincing any words that in Botswana there is NO Paramount Chief; that he is Kgosi of BaNgwato only – it will appear that time has completely washed away that counsel. Otherwise how do you explain Ian Khama’s insistence to hold on to both traditional and political leadership roles? As President he derived so much pleasure in reminding some of his subjects in his Cabinet that he was their Chief.
And to this day, although immersed in the murky ‘dirty’ partisan politics he continues to remind everyone that cares to listen that he is Kgosikgolo! And this nomenclature is also problematic, as his father had indicated back then, because it implies supremacy over other tribes. A kgosikgolo is in the true sense of the word, an emperor, one who lords over the whole nation. But problem with Botswana is that we are not homogenous but groups of diverse cultures and languages! Each and every tribe as Sir Seretse Khama counselled, has its own Kgosi! That is why to this day we have Ntlo Ya DiKgosi as an advisory body to the Legislature.
But of-course we understand that Magosi have cried foul that politicians have usurped their powers, but that is a debate for another day – and anyway as a collective in that august house, Magosi have the perfect opportunity to bargain for better conditions of service just like all other public servants! I say this because Kgosi is a Kgosi because of the people he leads (Kgosi ke kgosi ka batho)!
So, we must understand BPF’s interim president Biggie’s newfound title for Kgosi Khama in this light. This thinking was further reinforced in my mind on that day in 2008 when Khama installed Kgafela II as Kgosi of BaKgatla. In his speech I remember him telling Kgafela that as ‘Kgosi of Bangwato ke go roma mo morafeng yo’ – I was stunned that one Kgosi was sending another into another’s tribe.
The question that remained unanswered in my mind then was, to do whose bidding? But there was a twist at that ceremony which was characterised by pomp and pageantry. Kgafela sat regally on his throne as Khama draped him with the leopard’s skin, yet a closer observation would have revealed that he used the lion’s skin as his footstool! When we remember that it was during Khama’s presidency that Kgafela was ‘derecognised’, imprisoned and ultimately fled into exile just because he had dared challenge the Constitutuion of the country – we can now see clearly why Khama wants to remain both Kgosi and politician.
But we don’t know what will become of President Masisi’s overtures – as he has promised to do everything in his means to return Kgafela to Botswana. As for me, I have my doubts that it is meant in good faith, but that it is a ploy to use BaKgatla Kgosi to lure votes for his younger brother, Mmusi, who is a parliamentary candidate for BDP! Whatever happens surely this year promises to be the best, as Khama has told us!
Of Bundle of Joy and Sisiboy’s broken bromance
I studied European history in secondary school and Hitler was my favourite subject. I especially enjoyed learning about the Policy of Appeasement.
I recall that one of the textbooks we used had a cartoon that depicted Stalin and Hitler seemingly chatting to each other in a friendly embrace. However, both of them were holding shotguns at the back. This cartoon summed up my views on politics and life in general – never let your guard down because there are no permanent friends in life and politics. Those who have read influential books such as Art of War and The 48 Laws of Power would know that most scholars of philosophy attest that as much as it is good to live at peace with your fellow human beings it is also equally good to be “aware” because it is better to be safe than sorry. Let’s just say that dynamics of human relations can be complex.
This thought came to mind when a picture of our current and former Presidents looking cosy recently surfaced on social media and set tongues wagging. It is a beautiful picture of happy people but it is also loaded when you consider that the two apparently don’t get along. Some people claimed that they are fooling us and actually best friends. So, should they size each other up, hump chests and avoid greeting and touching each other prove that they don’t see eye to eye? And then what?
We all have people we have had fall-outs with or don’t see eye to eye with. But as an adult, you learn to “contain” issues. Ee, botshelo ga bo ratanelwe. Go na le batho ba ba sa re emang sentle. Mme ga o ka ke wa raya motho o re ‘ngaka ya me ya re wa ntowa’ kana ‘ke a itse gore o ne o reng, o dira eng’ jalo jalo. O dididmala fela. Le fa motho a kile a go direla bosula, o mo golola mo moweng, fa o mmona o a ikoba, ga o simolole o sinalla e ka re o hupile santlhoko!
Disagreeing with someone, not sharing their ideology or having a fall-out does not mean that you hate them and you should take the matter publicly even on platforms where it is not necessary to parade your “issues.”
Mind you, despite the said betrayal and deception that prevailed between the two, once upon a time they were in a strong bromance. They worked and spent a lot of time together. As to who is the right or wrong between is a topic you can discuss with your friends over beers or wine.
Despite the highly documented hostility between the two, it would be diabolic and psychotic to expect them to always be at each other’s throats at every turn to the extent of snubbing each other publicly.
Pardon my analogy, but it is like expecting ex-lovers to hate each other because they are not together anymore or former friends to not speak to each because the relationship ended. Relationships start and deteriorate daily; it is no train smash – it is part of life. But civilised people know that you don’t suddenly refuse to speak to the next person; sometimes you just pretend, o ichinamisanyana hela.
At the end of the day you have history with that person and were at some point close to them. Tota motho fa o kile wa tshela le ene ga gona gore o ka mo itebatsa kana wa mo itatola, le fa lo sa tlhole le utlwana. Sisiboy and Ruta’s bundle of joy probably missed each other. They are human after all!
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