BY K.A. BAREKI
In last week’s installment, I wrote about how to move from sexual mediocrity to excellence by creating the right environment for sex.
I intimated that one needs music, clothes, bedding, lube and specific foods known as aphrodisiacs to create a good humping experience. Isn’t it shocking that even in the midst of such pleasantries, our women and men don’t testify of good sex?
Our women still lament the lack of sexual satisfaction even when they have sex with men that have got “6-packs” promising stamina and envied salaries. Our men leave their beautiful women with pretty faces, curvaceous bodies and run with perpetual strangers that know nothing about having good relationship curriculum vitae and are not “lover material” in search of good sex.
This situation leaves us fumbling and wondering what today’s men want. So serious is this sexual jigsaw puzzle that a fair share of our women’s populace has concluded that Batswana men are naturally “bitchy”and unloving. And this is exactly what some men say about our women.
More Batswana women want to be married by Caucasian men with some selecting Zambian, Zimbabwean, South African and even Nigerian men as dream lovers – and there’s nothing wrong with pursuing exotic taste.
Over the years, I have observed this issue in protracted silence until I noticed something very interesting about the way Batswana men have sex and why our women post ads that beg for a foreigner’s proposal.
Batswana are generally outspoken people. They are peace makers who believe that ntwakgolo ke ya molomo. Because Batswana are so consensual, they are often admired and looked upon as a non-violent nation, a peaceful people who cannot hurt a fly.
How is it that this peaceful reputation is not found in the bedrooms of most Batswana couples who often resort to divorce, cheating or sulking? Good question! The answer is silence.What? You heard me, the answer is silence.
Batswana are a talkative people and yet silent in bed. Batswana men have a problem keeping quiet in libraries and yet insist on silence during sex. Batswana don’t talk about how they prefer sex and don’t give any feedback concerning sex. Our women in particular avoid praising their men for excellent bonking when it happens.
Our men take offence if a woman comments negatively on their sexual performance or makes any improvement suggestion as if to suggest that sex to them is an intuitive thing that comes without communication. Life thrives on communication, and Batswana’s sexual lives will continue to be disastrous and lifeless until their mouths open.
And after years of silent sex, our men conclude that their women are boring and search for alternatives. “If you don’t talk about sex, it’s going to be difficult to make any improvement. And, you should be communicating about what you like just as much about what isn’t working, or what you are worried may not be working. If the sex is great, it shouldn’t be a touchy conversation area…” writes blogger Lea Rose Emery in her work “Seven Signs You’re Bad In Bed”
If the average Motswana is naturally a peace-loving and consensual person, then it means Batswana cease to be Batswana every time they engage in sex. If Batswana are a democratic nation with an international reputation of being so, how can a Motswana have “undemocratic” dictatorial sex?
How is it that Batswana have the tendency to have sex that is not mutually inclusive? I reiterate that Batswana are not Batswana when it comes to sex. If Batswana when in their bedrooms behaved like they do during the day, Botswana would be a nation of sexual satisfaction. Batswana would have so much knowledge on sex that comes from their natural inclination to be consensual and assertive.
As our men obsess themselves with penile increment adverts that flood the market and think they need powerful sexologists to give them sex hunger busting clues, I am worried that they don’t notice that an easy and affordable solution lies hidden within. Batswana have no sex schools where they can learn sex.
But they have a culture of openly conversing with each other. If only they continued talking into their bedrooms, our nation would become known for brilliant sex. Our families would be stable and divorce rates humiliated.
Batswana lovers especially women would express how they prefer to be kissed, sexed and what sex positions drive them crazy. They would give feedback which by the way is necessary for improvement instead of leaving their men guessing.
Not all Batswana don’t communicate during sex. There are men and women in our country who sex in a way that is of “international standard” but it’s rare to encounter them. In Botswana there are men who divorced women for openly voicing out their opinions on how to sex.
Some men literally rebuke their women, accuse them of infidelity and call them whores for opening up. These women who are bitter and sex-thirsty resort to “Ben-10s.” What they enjoy in these young men is fresh sexual energy which is devoid of communication.
As these young boys age, their erection deteriorates and they become exactly like the men our older women ran away from. It’s a vicious cycle that can only be humbled by opening up.
In any case to solve a problem, you at least have to know its cause. What is the reason why Batswana would rather be silent during sex when they have a reputation of being vocal even to the avoidance of war?
The answer to this question is something I discovered in South Africa last year while attending a couples’ retreat. Although the venue was South African, the attendants were entirely Batswana who sought to learn about enhancing their sex lives in a foreign land.
In that setting, after speaking extensively on sexual satisfaction and admonishing couples to talk before, during and after sex, one Motswana raised up his hand to express comic contention over this idea.
“I was taught not to eat while talking. O ja ka ofe o bua ka ofe?” he asked. We laughed almost to tears. And I added my opinion to guide the matter. Later on as I reminisced on that question and its significance in understanding our people, it dawned on me that Batswana liken sex to eating and apply the British dinner etiquette to their sex lives.
Whether we admit it or not, Batswana are British in so many aspects. The lunch we esteem made up of rice, coleslaw salad, beetroots and meat is a British meal. Our dream breakfast and tea drinking habits are all a British mentality. And as a typical former colony, we follow the footsteps of our mentors.
According to British dinner etiquette, one should refrain from talking while eating. Batswana men, view sex as “go ja motho,” hence such silence when they have sex.
One other British dinner etiquette rule is that if you happen not to enjoy a meal, it is very rude to tell the cook or chef that the meal sucks. This explains why Batswana shun sex session feedback!
K.A. Bareki is the author of Sex & Intimacy 101 and can be contacted at email@example.com
Now BPF calls Khama His Majesty!
My good friend Biggie Butale has upped the ante in the hazy maze of traditional leadership and politics.
I hear that he is now addressing the Patron of his party – Botswana Patriotic Front – Lt. Gen. Dr. Ian Khama Seretse Khama, as “His Majesty.” Nothing wrong with this if it’s meant as mere reverence for the traditional position that Khama holds as Chief of Bangwato. However, I sense a completely different motive! Biggie is appealing to the gullibility and sensibility of the hoi polloi; he knows that village folks revere traiditional leadership and trust it with their lives. It is much easier to sell Khama as a ‘King’ or ‘Emperor’ if you will than to introduce him as ‘Patron’ of BPF. Most ordinary folk would be confused – it’s best to appeal to their tribal sentiments.
In many parts of Central District Khama is loved as Kgosi, former Army Commander; former President and son of Foundiing President. These titles are etched in the minds of many. But as for Patron of a new party – a party that broke away from his father’s Botswan Democratic Party, that is unheard of; it is sacrilege! But being a smart man, Biggie is quite aware of all these hence his uncanny approach, if some would consider it so.
He must manage the delicate balance of pleasing the masses of the people and maintaining the enigmatic character of his Master! I tell you this requires special, in fact rare skills! But somehow, Biggie’s approach is also fitting like a glove to the hand, in the subtle narrative, that has long held Ian Khama as Paramount Chief of Botswana. Some people have told me that they always suspected that our founding president (MHSRIP) could’ve unknowingly encouraged this narrative when he installed Ian Khama as Kgosi of Bangwato on 8th May 1979 in Serowe, the capital of GammaNgwato! Unlike other Tswana magosi, Khama was draped with a lion’s skin and not the leopard skin as is customary. Magosi in Botswana are revered as ‘Maapara Nkwe’ but in many respects, Ian’s coronation was a departure from this norm.
Further, he was installed Kgosi whist still serving in the army and so on that day, he wore his military uniform! Although in his speech Sir Seretse Khama counselled his son with so much wisdom, telling him without mincing any words that in Botswana there is NO Paramount Chief; that he is Kgosi of BaNgwato only – it will appear that time has completely washed away that counsel. Otherwise how do you explain Ian Khama’s insistence to hold on to both traditional and political leadership roles? As President he derived so much pleasure in reminding some of his subjects in his Cabinet that he was their Chief.
And to this day, although immersed in the murky ‘dirty’ partisan politics he continues to remind everyone that cares to listen that he is Kgosikgolo! And this nomenclature is also problematic, as his father had indicated back then, because it implies supremacy over other tribes. A kgosikgolo is in the true sense of the word, an emperor, one who lords over the whole nation. But problem with Botswana is that we are not homogenous but groups of diverse cultures and languages! Each and every tribe as Sir Seretse Khama counselled, has its own Kgosi! That is why to this day we have Ntlo Ya DiKgosi as an advisory body to the Legislature.
But of-course we understand that Magosi have cried foul that politicians have usurped their powers, but that is a debate for another day – and anyway as a collective in that august house, Magosi have the perfect opportunity to bargain for better conditions of service just like all other public servants! I say this because Kgosi is a Kgosi because of the people he leads (Kgosi ke kgosi ka batho)!
So, we must understand BPF’s interim president Biggie’s newfound title for Kgosi Khama in this light. This thinking was further reinforced in my mind on that day in 2008 when Khama installed Kgafela II as Kgosi of BaKgatla. In his speech I remember him telling Kgafela that as ‘Kgosi of Bangwato ke go roma mo morafeng yo’ – I was stunned that one Kgosi was sending another into another’s tribe.
The question that remained unanswered in my mind then was, to do whose bidding? But there was a twist at that ceremony which was characterised by pomp and pageantry. Kgafela sat regally on his throne as Khama draped him with the leopard’s skin, yet a closer observation would have revealed that he used the lion’s skin as his footstool! When we remember that it was during Khama’s presidency that Kgafela was ‘derecognised’, imprisoned and ultimately fled into exile just because he had dared challenge the Constitutuion of the country – we can now see clearly why Khama wants to remain both Kgosi and politician.
But we don’t know what will become of President Masisi’s overtures – as he has promised to do everything in his means to return Kgafela to Botswana. As for me, I have my doubts that it is meant in good faith, but that it is a ploy to use BaKgatla Kgosi to lure votes for his younger brother, Mmusi, who is a parliamentary candidate for BDP! Whatever happens surely this year promises to be the best, as Khama has told us!
Of Bundle of Joy and Sisiboy’s broken bromance
I studied European history in secondary school and Hitler was my favourite subject. I especially enjoyed learning about the Policy of Appeasement.
I recall that one of the textbooks we used had a cartoon that depicted Stalin and Hitler seemingly chatting to each other in a friendly embrace. However, both of them were holding shotguns at the back. This cartoon summed up my views on politics and life in general – never let your guard down because there are no permanent friends in life and politics. Those who have read influential books such as Art of War and The 48 Laws of Power would know that most scholars of philosophy attest that as much as it is good to live at peace with your fellow human beings it is also equally good to be “aware” because it is better to be safe than sorry. Let’s just say that dynamics of human relations can be complex.
This thought came to mind when a picture of our current and former Presidents looking cosy recently surfaced on social media and set tongues wagging. It is a beautiful picture of happy people but it is also loaded when you consider that the two apparently don’t get along. Some people claimed that they are fooling us and actually best friends. So, should they size each other up, hump chests and avoid greeting and touching each other prove that they don’t see eye to eye? And then what?
We all have people we have had fall-outs with or don’t see eye to eye with. But as an adult, you learn to “contain” issues. Ee, botshelo ga bo ratanelwe. Go na le batho ba ba sa re emang sentle. Mme ga o ka ke wa raya motho o re ‘ngaka ya me ya re wa ntowa’ kana ‘ke a itse gore o ne o reng, o dira eng’ jalo jalo. O dididmala fela. Le fa motho a kile a go direla bosula, o mo golola mo moweng, fa o mmona o a ikoba, ga o simolole o sinalla e ka re o hupile santlhoko!
Disagreeing with someone, not sharing their ideology or having a fall-out does not mean that you hate them and you should take the matter publicly even on platforms where it is not necessary to parade your “issues.”
Mind you, despite the said betrayal and deception that prevailed between the two, once upon a time they were in a strong bromance. They worked and spent a lot of time together. As to who is the right or wrong between is a topic you can discuss with your friends over beers or wine.
Despite the highly documented hostility between the two, it would be diabolic and psychotic to expect them to always be at each other’s throats at every turn to the extent of snubbing each other publicly.
Pardon my analogy, but it is like expecting ex-lovers to hate each other because they are not together anymore or former friends to not speak to each because the relationship ended. Relationships start and deteriorate daily; it is no train smash – it is part of life. But civilised people know that you don’t suddenly refuse to speak to the next person; sometimes you just pretend, o ichinamisanyana hela.
At the end of the day you have history with that person and were at some point close to them. Tota motho fa o kile wa tshela le ene ga gona gore o ka mo itebatsa kana wa mo itatola, le fa lo sa tlhole le utlwana. Sisiboy and Ruta’s bundle of joy probably missed each other. They are human after all!
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