In this installment, we attempt answering the difficult question: Did your partner really cheat on you? For known reasons, cheating impedes sexual enjoyment within a legit relationship because it betrays trust, promotes health risks and validates the need for protected sex even between consenting adults. Cheating worries so many people who may at best end up seeking for counseling.
For most people cheating is dealt with by checking lover’s emails, phone calls, messages, transactions, browsing history and even tracking their whereabouts at the level of someone working for the Federal investigative Bureau.
The tricky thing about people who complain about being cheated is that the issue seems to be so much about the other person (Cheater). But a deep look into the issue reveals a big problem lies with the very person who claims to be cheated. What they think, say and even do in handling this relationship threatening accusation says it all. “No matter what answers and reassurance you give to someone who wants to believe that you’re cheating, they’re not right and they’re never enough,” writes Natalie, in her blog titled when you’re accused of cheating.
Firstly, as you speak to someone who is highly suspicious of being cheated on, you will realise they might have been extremely trustful at first and after being cheated on, the person has trust issues, unfortunately this pain will lead such a person to falsely accuse future lovers of cheating. The person is not aware that this is just cheating paranoia which comes from the trauma of the first terrible encounter with infidelity. The dangerous part of continuously accusing someone of cheating especially if it is false is that in the end such a person may lose interest in being faithful or fall out of love. Some people started cheating after they were continuously falsely accused of cheating. Interestingly, a person may have trust issues because they were betrayed by their best friend, mother, father or any other person either than a spouse.
Cheating is not something imaginary I am writing from a corner somewhere behind my laptop. I have had situations where an angry spouse called me in the middle of the night, asking me why his wife bought my book, Sex & Intimacy 101 and never revealed it to him (as if I knew about it or could do something about it). This had nothing to do with me, but I have learned that the more influential I become, the more humble I ought to be, so instead of lashing out on this man, I behaved myself. He accused the wife of exploring sex positions in it with someone else. He didn’t have any proof, yet his anger radiated and he felt as sure as someone who believes in gospel truth.
The wife claimed she bought the book as a surprise and was waiting for her husband’s mood to lighten up but no amount of explanation was satisfactory. This past week, a girl who seemed crazily in love with her guy told me that the only thing that puts her off is that the guy is too insecure. “Wa boulela nna ebile ke setse e bile ke borega,” she said in despondency. Two weeks ago, a woman greatly turned off by her guy told me how this guy can literally call her place of work to confirm where she has been before settling for the fact that she is not cheating. In fact, the girl lets him to call in order to clear his doubts.
I told her that she is feeding this guy’s insecurity and this guy will keep on calling her work place for the rest of his life unless something better is done. Imagine how embarrassing that is? In fact deep-seated insecurity is a sign that one can commit crimes of passion. Stories of insecurity are not only around me, I have a history of checking on my wife’s phone or trying to track her whereabouts. At some point in time, this investigative escapade stopped when I discovered a truth so illuminating that it will save you from the same trauma if you have the same problem.
Secondly, an insecure person is giving the person they’re insecure about too much credit. When you are insecure about someone who is not insecure about you it may seem as if you mean less to them than they mean to you, but the truth is the less insecure partner may have learned to control their insecurity. Basically, despite all of us having a considerable “amount” of insecurity, if your insecurity is chronic you’re on the begging end, pleading not to be cheated on all the time. While you’re at it, this is subtly convincing your partner that you’re not valuable. If you’re valuable to your lover why should you remind them to be faithful all the time or accuse them when they never do the same to you? A person of value does not impose themselves on anyone instead people follow them and are loyal to them without any pestering.
At the time I was into always investigating what my wife was up to, at one point I asked myself why she wasn’t doing the same. After much introspection I would find I have inferiority complex and a feeling that I didn’t deserve her. “Some partners are extremely jealous because of an insecurity developed within,” author and relationship expert Alexis Nicole White tells Bustle. “Perhaps they have been cheated on, or they have spent a lot of time with an individual that makes them develop a general mistrust or distrust of others.” What makes the problem seem sophisticated is that the extremely jealous lover makes it feel like it’s all got to do with the accused. But it’s the other way round.
Thirdly, jealous people are so consumed in their selfish search for cheating evidence. Imagine somebody calling your workplace and doesn’t even think they’re ruining your reputation. Actually it doesn’t click to them and this is why their jaded lovers eventually leave them. A jealous person says things that are verbally abusive. “As I slept with you, I could feel that you had sex with another man,” says an insecure man. He thinks he’s manipulating the woman into telling the truth. But what he’s really doing is discouraging the woman from having sex with him. As both of them begin to go through a sex famine, cheating will indeed take place. He is unconsciously dragging the relo towards cheating by dismissing the sex as boring and evidence of cheating. Heelang bomme le borre ba ba boulelang mo go tenang, le ithubela malapa a nyena. Le a bo le tloga le re boloi.
Fourthly, an extremely jealous person has stopped being affectionate. The person concentrates on imprisoning, questioning, interrogating, calculating, manipulating, and all those words that end with “ing.” Obviously, a relationship where one partner will always call to ask you “where are you?” instead of “how are you?” is soon to be boring. You feel captured. You feel there’s actually no value in being honest or loyal, after all, no matter what you do, you will still be accused by the untrained investigator. “Jealousy is always based in insecurity, mistrust, or control — sometimes all of the above,” licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist Natalie Finegood Goldberg tells Bustle. “It’s a form of self-protection: If I’m hyper-aware of my partner’s behaviour, then it will prevent anything bad from happening.”
One thing that liberated me from trying to monitor my wife was the realisation that there’s nothing I can do in terms of monitoring her that can make her faithful. A person can cheat on you in 5 minutes. They can kiss, hug someone, receive and delete a message without you knowing. A person can do all these things under your nose. You need to be too young, immature or too ambitious to think you’re detective Holmes and nothing escapes your eye. It is my wife’s responsibility to watch over her own conduct. I don’t check any of her phones. I focus on loving her only. So, to answer the question on the heading which says “Did your partner cheat on you?” – To be brutally honest, very jealous persons cheat on themselves by doing things that make the relationship unpalatable. They need coaching and counseling!
Malatsi a ke robala boroko kgo! Hey, nkile ka sokola mmata, ka dilo tse ke senang taolo mo go tsone. Wena rata motho wa gago.
We all agree that jealousy or insecurity is a problem, akere? But why do people cheat?
Check next week’s edition of The Midweek Sun. O tla utlwa!
K.A. Bareki is the author of Sex & Intimacy 101 and can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org
Now BPF calls Khama His Majesty!
My good friend Biggie Butale has upped the ante in the hazy maze of traditional leadership and politics.
I hear that he is now addressing the Patron of his party – Botswana Patriotic Front – Lt. Gen. Dr. Ian Khama Seretse Khama, as “His Majesty.” Nothing wrong with this if it’s meant as mere reverence for the traditional position that Khama holds as Chief of Bangwato. However, I sense a completely different motive! Biggie is appealing to the gullibility and sensibility of the hoi polloi; he knows that village folks revere traiditional leadership and trust it with their lives. It is much easier to sell Khama as a ‘King’ or ‘Emperor’ if you will than to introduce him as ‘Patron’ of BPF. Most ordinary folk would be confused – it’s best to appeal to their tribal sentiments.
In many parts of Central District Khama is loved as Kgosi, former Army Commander; former President and son of Foundiing President. These titles are etched in the minds of many. But as for Patron of a new party – a party that broke away from his father’s Botswan Democratic Party, that is unheard of; it is sacrilege! But being a smart man, Biggie is quite aware of all these hence his uncanny approach, if some would consider it so.
He must manage the delicate balance of pleasing the masses of the people and maintaining the enigmatic character of his Master! I tell you this requires special, in fact rare skills! But somehow, Biggie’s approach is also fitting like a glove to the hand, in the subtle narrative, that has long held Ian Khama as Paramount Chief of Botswana. Some people have told me that they always suspected that our founding president (MHSRIP) could’ve unknowingly encouraged this narrative when he installed Ian Khama as Kgosi of Bangwato on 8th May 1979 in Serowe, the capital of GammaNgwato! Unlike other Tswana magosi, Khama was draped with a lion’s skin and not the leopard skin as is customary. Magosi in Botswana are revered as ‘Maapara Nkwe’ but in many respects, Ian’s coronation was a departure from this norm.
Further, he was installed Kgosi whist still serving in the army and so on that day, he wore his military uniform! Although in his speech Sir Seretse Khama counselled his son with so much wisdom, telling him without mincing any words that in Botswana there is NO Paramount Chief; that he is Kgosi of BaNgwato only – it will appear that time has completely washed away that counsel. Otherwise how do you explain Ian Khama’s insistence to hold on to both traditional and political leadership roles? As President he derived so much pleasure in reminding some of his subjects in his Cabinet that he was their Chief.
And to this day, although immersed in the murky ‘dirty’ partisan politics he continues to remind everyone that cares to listen that he is Kgosikgolo! And this nomenclature is also problematic, as his father had indicated back then, because it implies supremacy over other tribes. A kgosikgolo is in the true sense of the word, an emperor, one who lords over the whole nation. But problem with Botswana is that we are not homogenous but groups of diverse cultures and languages! Each and every tribe as Sir Seretse Khama counselled, has its own Kgosi! That is why to this day we have Ntlo Ya DiKgosi as an advisory body to the Legislature.
But of-course we understand that Magosi have cried foul that politicians have usurped their powers, but that is a debate for another day – and anyway as a collective in that august house, Magosi have the perfect opportunity to bargain for better conditions of service just like all other public servants! I say this because Kgosi is a Kgosi because of the people he leads (Kgosi ke kgosi ka batho)!
So, we must understand BPF’s interim president Biggie’s newfound title for Kgosi Khama in this light. This thinking was further reinforced in my mind on that day in 2008 when Khama installed Kgafela II as Kgosi of BaKgatla. In his speech I remember him telling Kgafela that as ‘Kgosi of Bangwato ke go roma mo morafeng yo’ – I was stunned that one Kgosi was sending another into another’s tribe.
The question that remained unanswered in my mind then was, to do whose bidding? But there was a twist at that ceremony which was characterised by pomp and pageantry. Kgafela sat regally on his throne as Khama draped him with the leopard’s skin, yet a closer observation would have revealed that he used the lion’s skin as his footstool! When we remember that it was during Khama’s presidency that Kgafela was ‘derecognised’, imprisoned and ultimately fled into exile just because he had dared challenge the Constitutuion of the country – we can now see clearly why Khama wants to remain both Kgosi and politician.
But we don’t know what will become of President Masisi’s overtures – as he has promised to do everything in his means to return Kgafela to Botswana. As for me, I have my doubts that it is meant in good faith, but that it is a ploy to use BaKgatla Kgosi to lure votes for his younger brother, Mmusi, who is a parliamentary candidate for BDP! Whatever happens surely this year promises to be the best, as Khama has told us!
Of Bundle of Joy and Sisiboy’s broken bromance
I studied European history in secondary school and Hitler was my favourite subject. I especially enjoyed learning about the Policy of Appeasement.
I recall that one of the textbooks we used had a cartoon that depicted Stalin and Hitler seemingly chatting to each other in a friendly embrace. However, both of them were holding shotguns at the back. This cartoon summed up my views on politics and life in general – never let your guard down because there are no permanent friends in life and politics. Those who have read influential books such as Art of War and The 48 Laws of Power would know that most scholars of philosophy attest that as much as it is good to live at peace with your fellow human beings it is also equally good to be “aware” because it is better to be safe than sorry. Let’s just say that dynamics of human relations can be complex.
This thought came to mind when a picture of our current and former Presidents looking cosy recently surfaced on social media and set tongues wagging. It is a beautiful picture of happy people but it is also loaded when you consider that the two apparently don’t get along. Some people claimed that they are fooling us and actually best friends. So, should they size each other up, hump chests and avoid greeting and touching each other prove that they don’t see eye to eye? And then what?
We all have people we have had fall-outs with or don’t see eye to eye with. But as an adult, you learn to “contain” issues. Ee, botshelo ga bo ratanelwe. Go na le batho ba ba sa re emang sentle. Mme ga o ka ke wa raya motho o re ‘ngaka ya me ya re wa ntowa’ kana ‘ke a itse gore o ne o reng, o dira eng’ jalo jalo. O dididmala fela. Le fa motho a kile a go direla bosula, o mo golola mo moweng, fa o mmona o a ikoba, ga o simolole o sinalla e ka re o hupile santlhoko!
Disagreeing with someone, not sharing their ideology or having a fall-out does not mean that you hate them and you should take the matter publicly even on platforms where it is not necessary to parade your “issues.”
Mind you, despite the said betrayal and deception that prevailed between the two, once upon a time they were in a strong bromance. They worked and spent a lot of time together. As to who is the right or wrong between is a topic you can discuss with your friends over beers or wine.
Despite the highly documented hostility between the two, it would be diabolic and psychotic to expect them to always be at each other’s throats at every turn to the extent of snubbing each other publicly.
Pardon my analogy, but it is like expecting ex-lovers to hate each other because they are not together anymore or former friends to not speak to each because the relationship ended. Relationships start and deteriorate daily; it is no train smash – it is part of life. But civilised people know that you don’t suddenly refuse to speak to the next person; sometimes you just pretend, o ichinamisanyana hela.
At the end of the day you have history with that person and were at some point close to them. Tota motho fa o kile wa tshela le ene ga gona gore o ka mo itebatsa kana wa mo itatola, le fa lo sa tlhole le utlwana. Sisiboy and Ruta’s bundle of joy probably missed each other. They are human after all!
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