In this installment, we attempt answering the difficult question: Did your partner really cheat on you? For known reasons, cheating impedes sexual enjoyment within a legit relationship because it betrays trust, promotes health risks and validates the need for protected sex even between consenting adults. Cheating worries so many people who may at best end up seeking for counseling.
For most people cheating is dealt with by checking lover’s emails, phone calls, messages, transactions, browsing history and even tracking their whereabouts at the level of someone working for the Federal investigative Bureau.
The tricky thing about people who complain about being cheated is that the issue seems to be so much about the other person (Cheater). But a deep look into the issue reveals a big problem lies with the very person who claims to be cheated. What they think, say and even do in handling this relationship threatening accusation says it all. “No matter what answers and reassurance you give to someone who wants to believe that you’re cheating, they’re not right and they’re never enough,” writes Natalie, in her blog titled when you’re accused of cheating.
Firstly, as you speak to someone who is highly suspicious of being cheated on, you will realise they might have been extremely trustful at first and after being cheated on, the person has trust issues, unfortunately this pain will lead such a person to falsely accuse future lovers of cheating. The person is not aware that this is just cheating paranoia which comes from the trauma of the first terrible encounter with infidelity. The dangerous part of continuously accusing someone of cheating especially if it is false is that in the end such a person may lose interest in being faithful or fall out of love. Some people started cheating after they were continuously falsely accused of cheating. Interestingly, a person may have trust issues because they were betrayed by their best friend, mother, father or any other person either than a spouse.
Cheating is not something imaginary I am writing from a corner somewhere behind my laptop. I have had situations where an angry spouse called me in the middle of the night, asking me why his wife bought my book, Sex & Intimacy 101 and never revealed it to him (as if I knew about it or could do something about it). This had nothing to do with me, but I have learned that the more influential I become, the more humble I ought to be, so instead of lashing out on this man, I behaved myself. He accused the wife of exploring sex positions in it with someone else. He didn’t have any proof, yet his anger radiated and he felt as sure as someone who believes in gospel truth.
The wife claimed she bought the book as a surprise and was waiting for her husband’s mood to lighten up but no amount of explanation was satisfactory. This past week, a girl who seemed crazily in love with her guy told me that the only thing that puts her off is that the guy is too insecure. “Wa boulela nna ebile ke setse e bile ke borega,” she said in despondency. Two weeks ago, a woman greatly turned off by her guy told me how this guy can literally call her place of work to confirm where she has been before settling for the fact that she is not cheating. In fact, the girl lets him to call in order to clear his doubts.
I told her that she is feeding this guy’s insecurity and this guy will keep on calling her work place for the rest of his life unless something better is done. Imagine how embarrassing that is? In fact deep-seated insecurity is a sign that one can commit crimes of passion. Stories of insecurity are not only around me, I have a history of checking on my wife’s phone or trying to track her whereabouts. At some point in time, this investigative escapade stopped when I discovered a truth so illuminating that it will save you from the same trauma if you have the same problem.
Secondly, an insecure person is giving the person they’re insecure about too much credit. When you are insecure about someone who is not insecure about you it may seem as if you mean less to them than they mean to you, but the truth is the less insecure partner may have learned to control their insecurity. Basically, despite all of us having a considerable “amount” of insecurity, if your insecurity is chronic you’re on the begging end, pleading not to be cheated on all the time. While you’re at it, this is subtly convincing your partner that you’re not valuable. If you’re valuable to your lover why should you remind them to be faithful all the time or accuse them when they never do the same to you? A person of value does not impose themselves on anyone instead people follow them and are loyal to them without any pestering.
At the time I was into always investigating what my wife was up to, at one point I asked myself why she wasn’t doing the same. After much introspection I would find I have inferiority complex and a feeling that I didn’t deserve her. “Some partners are extremely jealous because of an insecurity developed within,” author and relationship expert Alexis Nicole White tells Bustle. “Perhaps they have been cheated on, or they have spent a lot of time with an individual that makes them develop a general mistrust or distrust of others.” What makes the problem seem sophisticated is that the extremely jealous lover makes it feel like it’s all got to do with the accused. But it’s the other way round.
Thirdly, jealous people are so consumed in their selfish search for cheating evidence. Imagine somebody calling your workplace and doesn’t even think they’re ruining your reputation. Actually it doesn’t click to them and this is why their jaded lovers eventually leave them. A jealous person says things that are verbally abusive. “As I slept with you, I could feel that you had sex with another man,” says an insecure man. He thinks he’s manipulating the woman into telling the truth. But what he’s really doing is discouraging the woman from having sex with him. As both of them begin to go through a sex famine, cheating will indeed take place. He is unconsciously dragging the relo towards cheating by dismissing the sex as boring and evidence of cheating. Heelang bomme le borre ba ba boulelang mo go tenang, le ithubela malapa a nyena. Le a bo le tloga le re boloi.
Fourthly, an extremely jealous person has stopped being affectionate. The person concentrates on imprisoning, questioning, interrogating, calculating, manipulating, and all those words that end with “ing.” Obviously, a relationship where one partner will always call to ask you “where are you?” instead of “how are you?” is soon to be boring. You feel captured. You feel there’s actually no value in being honest or loyal, after all, no matter what you do, you will still be accused by the untrained investigator. “Jealousy is always based in insecurity, mistrust, or control — sometimes all of the above,” licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist Natalie Finegood Goldberg tells Bustle. “It’s a form of self-protection: If I’m hyper-aware of my partner’s behaviour, then it will prevent anything bad from happening.”
One thing that liberated me from trying to monitor my wife was the realisation that there’s nothing I can do in terms of monitoring her that can make her faithful. A person can cheat on you in 5 minutes. They can kiss, hug someone, receive and delete a message without you knowing. A person can do all these things under your nose. You need to be too young, immature or too ambitious to think you’re detective Holmes and nothing escapes your eye. It is my wife’s responsibility to watch over her own conduct. I don’t check any of her phones. I focus on loving her only. So, to answer the question on the heading which says “Did your partner cheat on you?” – To be brutally honest, very jealous persons cheat on themselves by doing things that make the relationship unpalatable. They need coaching and counseling!
Malatsi a ke robala boroko kgo! Hey, nkile ka sokola mmata, ka dilo tse ke senang taolo mo go tsone. Wena rata motho wa gago.
We all agree that jealousy or insecurity is a problem, akere? But why do people cheat?
Check next week’s edition of The Midweek Sun. O tla utlwa!
K.A. Bareki is the author of Sex & Intimacy 101 and can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org
IN DEFENCE OF BOFEPUSU ON ENDORSEMENT
I wish to commend and defend BOFEPUSU for taking the bold step not to endorse any of our political parties going into this year’s elections.
In fact, I read a lot in the union’s new stance not to endorse any party for this year’s general election. Remember in 2014 this mother body of the workers’ unions was very clear about wanting their members to vote for the UDC. This is because at the time, the biggest enemy to the workers was one Ian Khama who had in 2011 vowed he would never increase civil servants’ salaries no matter how many times the workers would strike. And Khama kept his word.
He never improved the working conditions of the civil servants. He kept his distance from the needs of the workers until he stepped down from being President. Khama literally bullied the workers and treated them with utter disdain. Yet he never had a problem when salary increases wanted by MPs in parliament benefitted him. Yes in the past he called MPs vultures when he was still Vice President and wanted voters to like him. Khama is at it again making himself look like a Messiah.
Today he goes around claiming he and his BPF party have answers to the plight of the workers. He is the one who even decreased the student allowances and now goes around claiming he would increase them once his BPF party and the UDC are elected into power. All along as state president, he never listened even to his cabinet ministers when they advised him on matters of national interest. He refused to increase old pension stipends and refused to increase student allowances. Now all of a sudden he claims he will increase all these? Obviously those leaders at BOFEPUSU are not fools. They have not forgotten how Khama treated them.
They at least see that President Masisi’s approach is a bit accommodating and that he is trying something than to flatly refuse as did his predecessor. And the union leaders do not trust Masisi either. They feel he is not showing enough commitment to the workers’ plight despite his promises that things will improve. But then again, the same union leaders can no longer trust the UDC because of the party’s association with Khama. Union leaders are smart people. They can read the dynamics on the ground. With the UDC teaming up with Khama this time around, there is no way the union leaders are going to be comfortable with a man who made the workers’ lives a living hell while handing millions of pula to his associates such as the former DIS boss.
The man literally arm twisted his cabinet and MPs into amending retired presidential benefits to enrich himself. He literally created a good lifestyle for himself and never cared about the workers. And now the UDC President Duma Boko is on record saying Khama should be forgiven all his atrocities. How do we expect the union leaders to trust Boko after all these that Khama has done? What deal does Boko and Khama have? As I say, union leaders are smart individuals with independent minds and analytical skills. So Boko can’t fool them by saying it is not Khama the UDC was fighting but the BDP. That is taking the workers and Batswana for granted. If it was about BDP and not Khama, why then did Boko repeatedly call for Khama and Isaac Kgosi’s prosecution? Was Kgosi even BDP? The unions can’t easily fall for a situation where Khama is going to be brought back into our lives again.
Remember Boko initially denied vehemently, that the UDC was in cahoots with Khama, until the truth came out later. Can he and the UDC be trusted again like they were trusted in 2014? It is for this reason that we should understand why it is difficult for BOFEPUSU to endorse the UDC again. And it is understandable why they also do not want to endorse Masisi and the BDP because they equally do not have enough assurances to trust him. The best is for the union leadership to do what they did – to remain neutral and let every worker decide on their own. It is only fair. We cannot therefore be slamming BOFEPUSU for refusing to take a stand.
The political party leaders have not done anything to convince the unions that they deserve their endorsement. So let every man fend for himself independent of the union’s stance. Besides, the union members as individuals are already aligned to various parties of their choice. Some were still going to defy the union’s stance. But it would have been an atrocity for the union to openly endorse any party associating with Khama, a man who literally bullied civil servants as president. So well done to BOFEPUSU for refusing to endorse anyone. A go iperekelweng.
Perfect partners do not exist, you will stay single forever
While everybody else is settling, getting married and getting laid, a sizable number of our lady friends remain alone because they seem to have standards which our men are not meeting. These women remain lonely and promise to stay put until somebody worth their value comes along. The sad part is: he ain’t coming, not now and not in the future.
Mothers to these children who seem decent, well-raised and mature to settle and yet aren’t settling, are worried. They secretly consult fortune tellers and even prophets to find out why their children aren’t finding anyone to make a family with. A conversation with such people who seem to be victims of women/men’s low ranking qualities proves something else. For many years I have met and conversed with such ladies and their problem was so simple to solve that they laughed upon discovering the real problem.
When a girl isn’t getting married and yet is threatening to be forty years, you will often find she talks about the man she wants and that she hasn’t found such and won’t settle for less. She describes this man as having to possess gentleness, empathy, sensitivity, caring, sweetness, compassion, tolerance, nurturance, deference, aesthetic passion, and succorance. She needs a man who can chat a lot and ask her how her work has been and be as sensitive as a digital thermometer.
But such qualities are the qualities of a woman and not a man. In short, the high standards some women have in their search for men aren’t high standards, they are simply irrelevant standards: standards for women. And because it isn’t easy to find a man who behaves just like a woman, these women won’t be finding suitors for a long long time. They will wait and live on one night stands or celibacy for a long time. A good number of women don’t notice that men are different from women in a lot of ways. They think men are just a woman version that has beards and a hoarse voice.
I once listened to Beyonce’s song – If I was a boy – which talks about what she would do if she were a boy. Most of the things she talks about are so girly that it’s not hard to realize that even Beyonce, the iconic woman, has a problem understanding that no boy fits her imaginations.
John Gray in his book, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ and Steve Harvey in his book, ‘Think like a man, act like a lady,’ did a great job showing women what men are like. I guess it’s always going to be better hearing men describe what a man is like. For a woman who confuses the two, let me help you to understand the difference between a man and a woman. Although that might sound too obvious if not silly, this is helpful in stopping you from the frustrating act of looking for women standards in men. While women obsess so much about appearance, men care less how they look and will do hairstyles that are as simple as shaving off hair. On the contrary, men care a lot about a woman’s looks and will keep a woman for her “hotness.” Women believe that cleaning dishes is a priority and a kitchen mess has to be cleaned by someone, but men place much importance on washing cars.
While a man pays attention to what someone says, a woman normally pays attention to the way a person speaks, particularly their attitude. Men laugh when they find something to be funny but a woman will only laugh if she thinks her environment allows it and its appropriate. Women have a larger hippocampus. This is where we store memories. This is why women can recall every single word of an argument from 5 years ago while men struggle to remember things that happened 5 days ago. “Women will tend to want to interact with colleagues after a stressful meeting or interact with family, friends, and relatives at the end of a busy day. These activities help women produce oxytocin, increase relaxation, and relieve stress, which in itself produces even more oxytocin, a critical stress-reducing hormone.” – Annis & Nesbitt.
“After a long stressful meeting or at the end of a busy day, men tend to want to shut down and drift off – close off the world for a little while. Men tend to retreat and seek solitude or engage in some low-involvement activity, such as watching the news or sports, or working on a small project. It’s a natural tendency in a man to “turn off” to replenish testosterone, and that releases his stress, relaxes, and re-energizes him.” – Annis & Nesbitt. Men and women are so different that those looking for a man with the qualities of woman won’t find such. There are men who won’t marry because the standards they have set of a woman they want are men’s standards.
They want someone who doesn’t worry a lot and is bold and brave and says less. Women have a larger anterior cortex, which means they spend more time ruminating, trying to process emotions and worrying. Women have higher rates of anxiety than men. Researchers think this might come down to the highly sensitized female anterior cortex. Naturally, it’s easy frightening a woman than a man. When my two kids arrive from school I usually hide in the house to frighten them and laugh at the whole panic thing – I am that immature sometimes. My daughter normally panics more than my son. It’s normal and I laugh a lot.
So I imagine a woman who won’t settle because she accuses guys of not being open, nurturing, sociable and hygienic. Since when have guys beaten women on issues of hygiene? Recently in South Africa, a young guy found himself confused after he fell in love with a girl because he felt the girl behaved like a guy and said that he has always wanted a girl who behaves like a guy. Women often behave like guys and that’s for about two minutes. So this guy fell in love with this girl and when the girl began to behave girly, the relationship broke apart and the guy confessed that he prefers dating boys. Boys will be boys and it’s unfair to expect boy standards from girls.
An online magazine known as Business Insider mentions that “Women’s expectations of the opposite sex are at least as unrealistic as men’s.” Now I don’t know about you but every time I ask women what they want from a man, I find they are talking about a woman. I ask a guy what he wants and he talks about sex all the time. A real woman is not going to have sex all the time or make it her first priority, so unaware, this guy is talking about another man.
Note that you’re having unrealistic standards if: You reject a decent person for no apparent reason, talking about ‘he is not my type.’
Talk about how there are no good women or men
A relationship with you needs serious qualifications
Most of the people you rate as good lovers are celebrities
You expect a guy or girl to love what you love
You fantasize about a perfect guy in a world of imperfect people
If you have the above tendencies, unless you stop, you will die alone or never get laid and enjoy sex & intimacy.
Kindly open your eyes to the fact that if you are not perfect, it is unreasonable to expect a perfect lover. When setting your standards, at least care enough to expect manly things from a man instead of expecting a man to behave like a woman.
You should find a man and let your lady friends do some of the things you were expecting from him especially in line with social interactivity.
Your prospects for getting love have been thrown under the bus if your fantasy guy has been in your head since your pre-teen pop-star crush days. “You’ve always loved building these bubbly fantasy lands in your head that you can run away too.
There is nothing wrong with that if you are grounded enough to realize that these are just fantasies, not reality. You will find a guy one day, but if you are banking on him being exactly like your trophy fantasy guy, then you’re making the already tough game of dating a lot harder for yourself. That’s because real humans have flaws, rough edges, and imperfections, but that’s what makes people so unique, special and fun to get to know. Since you are so focused on finding that guy who is different and special, then why not start by breaking outside the fantasy a little bit? Trust me, you will be surprised,” writes Michelle in 15 signs you’re too picky.
K.A. Bareki is the author of Sex & Intimacy 101 and can be contacted at email@example.com