In this installment, we attempt answering the difficult question: Did your partner really cheat on you? For known reasons, cheating impedes sexual enjoyment within a legit relationship because it betrays trust, promotes health risks and validates the need for protected sex even between consenting adults. Cheating worries so many people who may at best end up seeking for counseling.
For most people cheating is dealt with by checking lover’s emails, phone calls, messages, transactions, browsing history and even tracking their whereabouts at the level of someone working for the Federal investigative Bureau.
The tricky thing about people who complain about being cheated is that the issue seems to be so much about the other person (Cheater). But a deep look into the issue reveals a big problem lies with the very person who claims to be cheated. What they think, say and even do in handling this relationship threatening accusation says it all. “No matter what answers and reassurance you give to someone who wants to believe that you’re cheating, they’re not right and they’re never enough,” writes Natalie, in her blog titled when you’re accused of cheating.
Firstly, as you speak to someone who is highly suspicious of being cheated on, you will realise they might have been extremely trustful at first and after being cheated on, the person has trust issues, unfortunately this pain will lead such a person to falsely accuse future lovers of cheating. The person is not aware that this is just cheating paranoia which comes from the trauma of the first terrible encounter with infidelity. The dangerous part of continuously accusing someone of cheating especially if it is false is that in the end such a person may lose interest in being faithful or fall out of love. Some people started cheating after they were continuously falsely accused of cheating. Interestingly, a person may have trust issues because they were betrayed by their best friend, mother, father or any other person either than a spouse.
Cheating is not something imaginary I am writing from a corner somewhere behind my laptop. I have had situations where an angry spouse called me in the middle of the night, asking me why his wife bought my book, Sex & Intimacy 101 and never revealed it to him (as if I knew about it or could do something about it). This had nothing to do with me, but I have learned that the more influential I become, the more humble I ought to be, so instead of lashing out on this man, I behaved myself. He accused the wife of exploring sex positions in it with someone else. He didn’t have any proof, yet his anger radiated and he felt as sure as someone who believes in gospel truth.
The wife claimed she bought the book as a surprise and was waiting for her husband’s mood to lighten up but no amount of explanation was satisfactory. This past week, a girl who seemed crazily in love with her guy told me that the only thing that puts her off is that the guy is too insecure. “Wa boulela nna ebile ke setse e bile ke borega,” she said in despondency. Two weeks ago, a woman greatly turned off by her guy told me how this guy can literally call her place of work to confirm where she has been before settling for the fact that she is not cheating. In fact, the girl lets him to call in order to clear his doubts.
I told her that she is feeding this guy’s insecurity and this guy will keep on calling her work place for the rest of his life unless something better is done. Imagine how embarrassing that is? In fact deep-seated insecurity is a sign that one can commit crimes of passion. Stories of insecurity are not only around me, I have a history of checking on my wife’s phone or trying to track her whereabouts. At some point in time, this investigative escapade stopped when I discovered a truth so illuminating that it will save you from the same trauma if you have the same problem.
Secondly, an insecure person is giving the person they’re insecure about too much credit. When you are insecure about someone who is not insecure about you it may seem as if you mean less to them than they mean to you, but the truth is the less insecure partner may have learned to control their insecurity. Basically, despite all of us having a considerable “amount” of insecurity, if your insecurity is chronic you’re on the begging end, pleading not to be cheated on all the time. While you’re at it, this is subtly convincing your partner that you’re not valuable. If you’re valuable to your lover why should you remind them to be faithful all the time or accuse them when they never do the same to you? A person of value does not impose themselves on anyone instead people follow them and are loyal to them without any pestering.
At the time I was into always investigating what my wife was up to, at one point I asked myself why she wasn’t doing the same. After much introspection I would find I have inferiority complex and a feeling that I didn’t deserve her. “Some partners are extremely jealous because of an insecurity developed within,” author and relationship expert Alexis Nicole White tells Bustle. “Perhaps they have been cheated on, or they have spent a lot of time with an individual that makes them develop a general mistrust or distrust of others.” What makes the problem seem sophisticated is that the extremely jealous lover makes it feel like it’s all got to do with the accused. But it’s the other way round.
Thirdly, jealous people are so consumed in their selfish search for cheating evidence. Imagine somebody calling your workplace and doesn’t even think they’re ruining your reputation. Actually it doesn’t click to them and this is why their jaded lovers eventually leave them. A jealous person says things that are verbally abusive. “As I slept with you, I could feel that you had sex with another man,” says an insecure man. He thinks he’s manipulating the woman into telling the truth. But what he’s really doing is discouraging the woman from having sex with him. As both of them begin to go through a sex famine, cheating will indeed take place. He is unconsciously dragging the relo towards cheating by dismissing the sex as boring and evidence of cheating. Heelang bomme le borre ba ba boulelang mo go tenang, le ithubela malapa a nyena. Le a bo le tloga le re boloi.
Fourthly, an extremely jealous person has stopped being affectionate. The person concentrates on imprisoning, questioning, interrogating, calculating, manipulating, and all those words that end with “ing.” Obviously, a relationship where one partner will always call to ask you “where are you?” instead of “how are you?” is soon to be boring. You feel captured. You feel there’s actually no value in being honest or loyal, after all, no matter what you do, you will still be accused by the untrained investigator. “Jealousy is always based in insecurity, mistrust, or control — sometimes all of the above,” licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist Natalie Finegood Goldberg tells Bustle. “It’s a form of self-protection: If I’m hyper-aware of my partner’s behaviour, then it will prevent anything bad from happening.”
One thing that liberated me from trying to monitor my wife was the realisation that there’s nothing I can do in terms of monitoring her that can make her faithful. A person can cheat on you in 5 minutes. They can kiss, hug someone, receive and delete a message without you knowing. A person can do all these things under your nose. You need to be too young, immature or too ambitious to think you’re detective Holmes and nothing escapes your eye. It is my wife’s responsibility to watch over her own conduct. I don’t check any of her phones. I focus on loving her only. So, to answer the question on the heading which says “Did your partner cheat on you?” – To be brutally honest, very jealous persons cheat on themselves by doing things that make the relationship unpalatable. They need coaching and counseling!
Malatsi a ke robala boroko kgo! Hey, nkile ka sokola mmata, ka dilo tse ke senang taolo mo go tsone. Wena rata motho wa gago.
We all agree that jealousy or insecurity is a problem, akere? But why do people cheat?
Check next week’s edition of The Midweek Sun. O tla utlwa!
K.A. Bareki is the author of Sex & Intimacy 101 and can be contacted at email@example.com
This lockdown is going to plunge many into depression
Dear Mokgweetsi Masisi
Today, Wednesday April 1, 2020, marks exactly two years since you were sworn in as President of this republic, and I wonder how you will be celebrating this milestone while under quarantine. Kana right now we could be coming over there to celebrate with you had you not blundered by attending that State House pool party in Namibia. Your residence would be lit this time, ree ja joy in celebration of your second anniversary since your ascendance to the highest office on the Tswana land. Knowing you, this corona thing would have been shoved aside to allow the world to know gore you are turning two years as President – even after announcing a lockdown on Tuesday. Akere wena you are often thus – you say this, you do the other. Kana gape it would be your chance to show that Namibian President gore le wena you can gather people for a celebration even amidst this state of public emergency. Akere le ene despite global warnings against international travel he decided to host a party and invited you – the result of which you are now in quarantine. I just wonder how Atsile and MmaAtsile are coping with an absent Daddy and Hubby. In fact, we haven’t heard much of our lovely First Lady since you went into quarantine – even at this odd hour when a mother-figure is needed to reassure the nation that all will be alright. O re costile motherlove Morena. Kana if it wasn’t for that reckless trip, we could be seeing her around with you. Jaanong mmanyana gatwe a seka a go atumela shem…
Anyway, it was great to see you looking fit and strong on Tuesday morning BraMEK, and we are glad you are showing no signs of infection. Kana yo mogare e bile ga o tlhaole. It doesn’t care if you are a British Prime Minister, German Chancellor or a Royal Prince. Neither does it care if you are a Head of State, or popular football star or internationally-acclaimed movie star – e ralla anyone Covid-19, rich or poor; black or white and everything in between. So seeing you looking that healthy after that risky Namibia trip has helped reassure us that within the gloom and doom of the socio-economic crisis created by the virus world-wide, there is that silver lining of remembering that it does not just infect unless invited to, and that even when it has infected one, death is not always a given. I realise however that you waited for your anniversary day to pass without impediment before you could institute the start of the lockdown tomorrow. We support your decisiveness nonetheless and promise to abide by the guidelines laid before us to boost our survival chance against this monster of a virus. I see you have even tried to do all in your power to ensure individuals and business entities do not feel the extreme wrath of this Covid-19 and the attendant lockdown. Among the things in your rescue package I see you talk of tax holidays for businesses; access to credit; immediate reconnection of water; decrease in fuel prices; an economic stimulus package; loan guarantees for businesses; restructuring of loans with banks; relaxed payment of insurance premiums for both individuals and companies; provision of a wage subsidy for citizen employees of businesses mostly affected by the virus in order to enable them to retain employees; expedited payments to business entities by government and parastatals … and other interventions intended go fokotsa manokonoko a Covid-19. Yet there are those still in tears Big MEK, who ask gore bone gatwe bone ke ba ga mang. These are the folks who live from hand to mouth, who worry that the lockdown will kill them even faster than the virus itself. Akere Tautona there are people who make an instant daily stipend from clearing the weeds, doing laundry, selling fatcakes, selling cooltime, veggies, sweets and mabudula on the streets as well as those who sell traditional beer? How do they make money for their groceries ne Tautona? What measures do you have in place for them? In your address on Tuesday morning you did not elaborate on that and I pray that by the time this letter reaches you, you would have clarified the matter. Kana these are the people who will not comply because one way or the other, they would have to go out there to hassle. I bet they were wondering who exactly you were talking to when you mentioned the issue of panic buying. You need to urgently come up with a plan for them BraMEK, otherwise they may have to choose between death by hunger and death by corona. Go riana there is one mosadimogolo in Ramotswa who was made to spill away her traditional brew last week, despite having started the fermentation process two days before Trade Minister Peggy Serame decreed that there would be no sale of alcohol. Gatwe mosadimogolo o sale a bedisa ka Tuesday before the ban on sale of alcohol was announced ka Thursday. Her brew got ready for sale on Saturday but your men of the law came hard on her, making her throw it all away. Imagine such instances BraMEK on our oldies who seem to have been left out in your disucusions ahead of the sale ban of bojwala. Others BraMEK say you never even bothered to address their worries against landlords who will still demand rent for their houses despite the tenants not going out to work and make money on the streets. There are also these chaps who depend on our absence from our homes to make a living – the ones who take advantage of our absence to break into our homes to take what they never had to sweat for. Ba re o ba bolaile because homesteads will be occupied throughout the day. They worry that with soldiers and police officers expected to be unleashed on the streets, they may have a difficult time to do any work at night. And in the case these chaps continue to work and flout the lockdown and extreme social distancing rules, what can we expect you to do with them Tautona? Could they straightaway be charged with attempted murder should they test positive for coronavirus? Akere by coming into our homes they would have exposed us to harm? And then there are the ladies of the night BraMEK, although I know you would argue that the law does not recognise them. But hey, they are there and their hassle is real. If you are going to keep their customers under lockdown, how will they survive? Kana e bile these days they are a bit sophisticated – they rent houses from which they operate, where their clients meet them for a roll in the hay. They have to make money for both the rent and their meals. If we don’t aid them they too pose a risk as they might sneak out to go and meet their clients ‘halfway’ and end up infecting each other. As I said earlier, I hope you do something about these forgotten citizens, even if it is it could mean dropping a bag of Tsabana in each household. Note also that suddenly – after you announced the lockdown – some employers out there are beginning to label their traditionally lowly-regarded workers as ‘essential service employees.’ Yet they have nothing to offer them commensurate with the new label. Others are dismissing employees already, claiming the lockdown will kill their business. And with the grounding of public transport vehicles, these companies have no plan how to get their essential service workers to the workplace. Ne kere le bone ba o ba tlhodumele Tautona. And on a more serious note, I worry about our mental health BraMEK. I tell you this lockdown is going to have its toll on the mental health of many. There is too much anxiety right now and there is a general fear of the unknown. With no light visible at the other end of the tunnel, many will be choking in there, worried about the uncertainty of everything including the well-being of relatives, the security around their jobs, the inability to attend funerals of their loved ones… resulting in rising stress levels and possible depression. Some couples will be annoying each other and expect cases of GBV to rise during this period. I hope you will look into such matters to ensure people are given some form of counselling and advice, especially through television and radio. Otherwise we thank you for acting on this lockdown thing sooner than later – although I still feel it should have come earlier. It was always going to be pointless to wait for deaths to go uncontrollably high before we could take the virus seriously. You had no choice but to put us down into extreme social distancing. Mistakes are going to happen along the way, and I hope we will help you go through correcting them amicably together without pointing fingers. And what an opportune time for bonding to happen! Parents will school their children and tertiary students will have enough time to reorganise themselves in preparation of the next time the coursework rooms open. Husbands and wives who all along did not see eye to eye will emerge from this lockdown a lot closer. And during the potentially lonely days, I hope there will be enough and clear communication to keep people at ease. For now it is Goodbye Mr President. Pass my warmest regards to my cousin Neo and her little girl. And sorry about the sleepless nights you and especially Health Minister Lems Kwape have to endure. I really feel for the poor chap; and pass this message to him that we all love him. We see what he is doing and what he is going through. Cheers for now MEK.
This year marks my 10th year as an employee of The Botswana Guardian and The Midweek Sun newspapers, under the CBET Pty Ltd company.
I still remember one afternoon of 2010 when I was in Francistown. I was waiting for my graduation from the University of Botswana where I did Bachelor of Media Studies. I had just started a freelancing job with Mmegi in the Ghetto when one of the Guardian/Sun managers Tlotlo Mbazo called me offering a job opportunity. See, during our time, UB newspaper- then known as The UB Horizon was hyped and big.
We distributed it across newsrooms in the country. In addition to this, one of my former Journalism lecturers Julia Cass had advised us to always cut our articles and keep portfolios and later send them across media houses for opportunities. So when MmaMbazo called me about an opportunity that had come up, I knew she had seen my work that I had submitted a few months before closing at UB.
Coming into the Guardian/Sun newsroom the first days was exciting yet challenging at the same time. I found many male colleagues that were also very loud and pushy. Intimidating. At times, annoying. Some were old, reminding me of the set up in international newsrooms where journalists are older. The 24 year-old me then was timid and emotional…but zealous and curious. I was impressed however by the female journos that oozed energy and passion.
The truth about the media industry is that there was a time when it was male-dominated. Women were thrown into light beats and strong ones were tackled by males. Though it was the case with Guardian/Sun then, seeing the likes of Phemelo Ramaribeng nee Ramasu pursue News was encouraging. Her human interest stories to a larger extent contributed to my love for Human Rights issues.
I worked under the leadership of great men who all shaped my career in special ways. The likes of peculiar Mpho Dibeela who has since gone into newspaper ownership; Mike Mothibi, the sophisticated writer with a passion for farming; courageous Abraham Motsokono who called a spade a spade and not a big spoon; fatherly Ernest Moloi who helped build resilience in me; Mbazo, woman of the board who leads tenderly but with a stern posture; Justice Kavahematui with a very calm demeanor; Joe Brown-Tlhaselo the perfectionist who pays attention to every detail in the paper – in fact it was Joe-Brown who welcomed me the first day by offering me a chair and lunch! And then there is Boitshepo Balozwi, my editor-turned-friend who every now and then blesses me with pearls of wisdom when ‘the devil wants to lie,’ as well as Dikarabo Ramadubu, our moving encyclopaedia.
Still under this list falls Beatrice Mbulawa, the magnificent General Manager who came with a unique style of managing a media house as a finance-steel lady. Joel Konopo and Ntibinyane Ntibinyane have always been deep hence their now establishment of the bullish INK Centre for Investigative Journalism. In 2012, they took me to Amabunghane Centre for Investigative Journalism in South Africa where my mindset changed altogether. That was an investment that I will always use in my Journalism. Douglas Tsiako also deserves recognition for always believing in me. Special mention of Ditiro Motlhabane for always putting me on my toes about my stories as my News Editor.
My colleagues across every department in The Guardian/Sun throughout the decade, both new and old, have been fascinating. The team is a rare, winning breed. Group dynamics is as real as it gets but I can say unfazed, that I learn a lot from every single individual in our newsroom. The energy here is right. It’s amazing.
So much can be said about my decade in our newsroom. Perhaps, my number one lesson is that of servitude. Journalists are servants. They should serve. At church we say EBENEZER – Thus far the Lord has brought me. Thank you.
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