While everybody else is settling, getting married and getting laid, a sizable number of our lady friends remain alone because they seem to have standards which our men are not meeting. These women remain lonely and promise to stay put until somebody worth their value comes along. The sad part is: he ain’t coming, not now and not in the future.
Mothers to these children who seem decent, well-raised and mature to settle and yet aren’t settling, are worried. They secretly consult fortune tellers and even prophets to find out why their children aren’t finding anyone to make a family with. A conversation with such people who seem to be victims of women/men’s low ranking qualities proves something else. For many years I have met and conversed with such ladies and their problem was so simple to solve that they laughed upon discovering the real problem.
When a girl isn’t getting married and yet is threatening to be forty years, you will often find she talks about the man she wants and that she hasn’t found such and won’t settle for less. She describes this man as having to possess gentleness, empathy, sensitivity, caring, sweetness, compassion, tolerance, nurturance, deference, aesthetic passion, and succorance. She needs a man who can chat a lot and ask her how her work has been and be as sensitive as a digital thermometer.
But such qualities are the qualities of a woman and not a man. In short, the high standards some women have in their search for men aren’t high standards, they are simply irrelevant standards: standards for women. And because it isn’t easy to find a man who behaves just like a woman, these women won’t be finding suitors for a long long time. They will wait and live on one night stands or celibacy for a long time. A good number of women don’t notice that men are different from women in a lot of ways. They think men are just a woman version that has beards and a hoarse voice.
I once listened to Beyonce’s song – If I was a boy – which talks about what she would do if she were a boy. Most of the things she talks about are so girly that it’s not hard to realize that even Beyonce, the iconic woman, has a problem understanding that no boy fits her imaginations.
John Gray in his book, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ and Steve Harvey in his book, ‘Think like a man, act like a lady,’ did a great job showing women what men are like. I guess it’s always going to be better hearing men describe what a man is like. For a woman who confuses the two, let me help you to understand the difference between a man and a woman. Although that might sound too obvious if not silly, this is helpful in stopping you from the frustrating act of looking for women standards in men. While women obsess so much about appearance, men care less how they look and will do hairstyles that are as simple as shaving off hair. On the contrary, men care a lot about a woman’s looks and will keep a woman for her “hotness.” Women believe that cleaning dishes is a priority and a kitchen mess has to be cleaned by someone, but men place much importance on washing cars.
While a man pays attention to what someone says, a woman normally pays attention to the way a person speaks, particularly their attitude. Men laugh when they find something to be funny but a woman will only laugh if she thinks her environment allows it and its appropriate. Women have a larger hippocampus. This is where we store memories. This is why women can recall every single word of an argument from 5 years ago while men struggle to remember things that happened 5 days ago. “Women will tend to want to interact with colleagues after a stressful meeting or interact with family, friends, and relatives at the end of a busy day. These activities help women produce oxytocin, increase relaxation, and relieve stress, which in itself produces even more oxytocin, a critical stress-reducing hormone.” – Annis & Nesbitt.
“After a long stressful meeting or at the end of a busy day, men tend to want to shut down and drift off – close off the world for a little while. Men tend to retreat and seek solitude or engage in some low-involvement activity, such as watching the news or sports, or working on a small project. It’s a natural tendency in a man to “turn off” to replenish testosterone, and that releases his stress, relaxes, and re-energizes him.” – Annis & Nesbitt. Men and women are so different that those looking for a man with the qualities of woman won’t find such. There are men who won’t marry because the standards they have set of a woman they want are men’s standards.
They want someone who doesn’t worry a lot and is bold and brave and says less. Women have a larger anterior cortex, which means they spend more time ruminating, trying to process emotions and worrying. Women have higher rates of anxiety than men. Researchers think this might come down to the highly sensitized female anterior cortex. Naturally, it’s easy frightening a woman than a man. When my two kids arrive from school I usually hide in the house to frighten them and laugh at the whole panic thing – I am that immature sometimes. My daughter normally panics more than my son. It’s normal and I laugh a lot.
So I imagine a woman who won’t settle because she accuses guys of not being open, nurturing, sociable and hygienic. Since when have guys beaten women on issues of hygiene? Recently in South Africa, a young guy found himself confused after he fell in love with a girl because he felt the girl behaved like a guy and said that he has always wanted a girl who behaves like a guy. Women often behave like guys and that’s for about two minutes. So this guy fell in love with this girl and when the girl began to behave girly, the relationship broke apart and the guy confessed that he prefers dating boys. Boys will be boys and it’s unfair to expect boy standards from girls.
An online magazine known as Business Insider mentions that “Women’s expectations of the opposite sex are at least as unrealistic as men’s.” Now I don’t know about you but every time I ask women what they want from a man, I find they are talking about a woman. I ask a guy what he wants and he talks about sex all the time. A real woman is not going to have sex all the time or make it her first priority, so unaware, this guy is talking about another man.
Note that you’re having unrealistic standards if: You reject a decent person for no apparent reason, talking about ‘he is not my type.’
Talk about how there are no good women or men
A relationship with you needs serious qualifications
Most of the people you rate as good lovers are celebrities
You expect a guy or girl to love what you love
You fantasize about a perfect guy in a world of imperfect people
If you have the above tendencies, unless you stop, you will die alone or never get laid and enjoy sex & intimacy.
Kindly open your eyes to the fact that if you are not perfect, it is unreasonable to expect a perfect lover. When setting your standards, at least care enough to expect manly things from a man instead of expecting a man to behave like a woman.
You should find a man and let your lady friends do some of the things you were expecting from him especially in line with social interactivity.
Your prospects for getting love have been thrown under the bus if your fantasy guy has been in your head since your pre-teen pop-star crush days. “You’ve always loved building these bubbly fantasy lands in your head that you can run away too.
There is nothing wrong with that if you are grounded enough to realize that these are just fantasies, not reality. You will find a guy one day, but if you are banking on him being exactly like your trophy fantasy guy, then you’re making the already tough game of dating a lot harder for yourself. That’s because real humans have flaws, rough edges, and imperfections, but that’s what makes people so unique, special and fun to get to know. Since you are so focused on finding that guy who is different and special, then why not start by breaking outside the fantasy a little bit? Trust me, you will be surprised,” writes Michelle in 15 signs you’re too picky.
K.A. Bareki is the author of Sex & Intimacy 101 and can be contacted at email@example.com
This lockdown is going to plunge many into depression
Dear Mokgweetsi Masisi
Today, Wednesday April 1, 2020, marks exactly two years since you were sworn in as President of this republic, and I wonder how you will be celebrating this milestone while under quarantine. Kana right now we could be coming over there to celebrate with you had you not blundered by attending that State House pool party in Namibia. Your residence would be lit this time, ree ja joy in celebration of your second anniversary since your ascendance to the highest office on the Tswana land. Knowing you, this corona thing would have been shoved aside to allow the world to know gore you are turning two years as President – even after announcing a lockdown on Tuesday. Akere wena you are often thus – you say this, you do the other. Kana gape it would be your chance to show that Namibian President gore le wena you can gather people for a celebration even amidst this state of public emergency. Akere le ene despite global warnings against international travel he decided to host a party and invited you – the result of which you are now in quarantine. I just wonder how Atsile and MmaAtsile are coping with an absent Daddy and Hubby. In fact, we haven’t heard much of our lovely First Lady since you went into quarantine – even at this odd hour when a mother-figure is needed to reassure the nation that all will be alright. O re costile motherlove Morena. Kana if it wasn’t for that reckless trip, we could be seeing her around with you. Jaanong mmanyana gatwe a seka a go atumela shem…
Anyway, it was great to see you looking fit and strong on Tuesday morning BraMEK, and we are glad you are showing no signs of infection. Kana yo mogare e bile ga o tlhaole. It doesn’t care if you are a British Prime Minister, German Chancellor or a Royal Prince. Neither does it care if you are a Head of State, or popular football star or internationally-acclaimed movie star – e ralla anyone Covid-19, rich or poor; black or white and everything in between. So seeing you looking that healthy after that risky Namibia trip has helped reassure us that within the gloom and doom of the socio-economic crisis created by the virus world-wide, there is that silver lining of remembering that it does not just infect unless invited to, and that even when it has infected one, death is not always a given. I realise however that you waited for your anniversary day to pass without impediment before you could institute the start of the lockdown tomorrow. We support your decisiveness nonetheless and promise to abide by the guidelines laid before us to boost our survival chance against this monster of a virus. I see you have even tried to do all in your power to ensure individuals and business entities do not feel the extreme wrath of this Covid-19 and the attendant lockdown. Among the things in your rescue package I see you talk of tax holidays for businesses; access to credit; immediate reconnection of water; decrease in fuel prices; an economic stimulus package; loan guarantees for businesses; restructuring of loans with banks; relaxed payment of insurance premiums for both individuals and companies; provision of a wage subsidy for citizen employees of businesses mostly affected by the virus in order to enable them to retain employees; expedited payments to business entities by government and parastatals … and other interventions intended go fokotsa manokonoko a Covid-19. Yet there are those still in tears Big MEK, who ask gore bone gatwe bone ke ba ga mang. These are the folks who live from hand to mouth, who worry that the lockdown will kill them even faster than the virus itself. Akere Tautona there are people who make an instant daily stipend from clearing the weeds, doing laundry, selling fatcakes, selling cooltime, veggies, sweets and mabudula on the streets as well as those who sell traditional beer? How do they make money for their groceries ne Tautona? What measures do you have in place for them? In your address on Tuesday morning you did not elaborate on that and I pray that by the time this letter reaches you, you would have clarified the matter. Kana these are the people who will not comply because one way or the other, they would have to go out there to hassle. I bet they were wondering who exactly you were talking to when you mentioned the issue of panic buying. You need to urgently come up with a plan for them BraMEK, otherwise they may have to choose between death by hunger and death by corona. Go riana there is one mosadimogolo in Ramotswa who was made to spill away her traditional brew last week, despite having started the fermentation process two days before Trade Minister Peggy Serame decreed that there would be no sale of alcohol. Gatwe mosadimogolo o sale a bedisa ka Tuesday before the ban on sale of alcohol was announced ka Thursday. Her brew got ready for sale on Saturday but your men of the law came hard on her, making her throw it all away. Imagine such instances BraMEK on our oldies who seem to have been left out in your disucusions ahead of the sale ban of bojwala. Others BraMEK say you never even bothered to address their worries against landlords who will still demand rent for their houses despite the tenants not going out to work and make money on the streets. There are also these chaps who depend on our absence from our homes to make a living – the ones who take advantage of our absence to break into our homes to take what they never had to sweat for. Ba re o ba bolaile because homesteads will be occupied throughout the day. They worry that with soldiers and police officers expected to be unleashed on the streets, they may have a difficult time to do any work at night. And in the case these chaps continue to work and flout the lockdown and extreme social distancing rules, what can we expect you to do with them Tautona? Could they straightaway be charged with attempted murder should they test positive for coronavirus? Akere by coming into our homes they would have exposed us to harm? And then there are the ladies of the night BraMEK, although I know you would argue that the law does not recognise them. But hey, they are there and their hassle is real. If you are going to keep their customers under lockdown, how will they survive? Kana e bile these days they are a bit sophisticated – they rent houses from which they operate, where their clients meet them for a roll in the hay. They have to make money for both the rent and their meals. If we don’t aid them they too pose a risk as they might sneak out to go and meet their clients ‘halfway’ and end up infecting each other. As I said earlier, I hope you do something about these forgotten citizens, even if it is it could mean dropping a bag of Tsabana in each household. Note also that suddenly – after you announced the lockdown – some employers out there are beginning to label their traditionally lowly-regarded workers as ‘essential service employees.’ Yet they have nothing to offer them commensurate with the new label. Others are dismissing employees already, claiming the lockdown will kill their business. And with the grounding of public transport vehicles, these companies have no plan how to get their essential service workers to the workplace. Ne kere le bone ba o ba tlhodumele Tautona. And on a more serious note, I worry about our mental health BraMEK. I tell you this lockdown is going to have its toll on the mental health of many. There is too much anxiety right now and there is a general fear of the unknown. With no light visible at the other end of the tunnel, many will be choking in there, worried about the uncertainty of everything including the well-being of relatives, the security around their jobs, the inability to attend funerals of their loved ones… resulting in rising stress levels and possible depression. Some couples will be annoying each other and expect cases of GBV to rise during this period. I hope you will look into such matters to ensure people are given some form of counselling and advice, especially through television and radio. Otherwise we thank you for acting on this lockdown thing sooner than later – although I still feel it should have come earlier. It was always going to be pointless to wait for deaths to go uncontrollably high before we could take the virus seriously. You had no choice but to put us down into extreme social distancing. Mistakes are going to happen along the way, and I hope we will help you go through correcting them amicably together without pointing fingers. And what an opportune time for bonding to happen! Parents will school their children and tertiary students will have enough time to reorganise themselves in preparation of the next time the coursework rooms open. Husbands and wives who all along did not see eye to eye will emerge from this lockdown a lot closer. And during the potentially lonely days, I hope there will be enough and clear communication to keep people at ease. For now it is Goodbye Mr President. Pass my warmest regards to my cousin Neo and her little girl. And sorry about the sleepless nights you and especially Health Minister Lems Kwape have to endure. I really feel for the poor chap; and pass this message to him that we all love him. We see what he is doing and what he is going through. Cheers for now MEK.
This year marks my 10th year as an employee of The Botswana Guardian and The Midweek Sun newspapers, under the CBET Pty Ltd company.
I still remember one afternoon of 2010 when I was in Francistown. I was waiting for my graduation from the University of Botswana where I did Bachelor of Media Studies. I had just started a freelancing job with Mmegi in the Ghetto when one of the Guardian/Sun managers Tlotlo Mbazo called me offering a job opportunity. See, during our time, UB newspaper- then known as The UB Horizon was hyped and big.
We distributed it across newsrooms in the country. In addition to this, one of my former Journalism lecturers Julia Cass had advised us to always cut our articles and keep portfolios and later send them across media houses for opportunities. So when MmaMbazo called me about an opportunity that had come up, I knew she had seen my work that I had submitted a few months before closing at UB.
Coming into the Guardian/Sun newsroom the first days was exciting yet challenging at the same time. I found many male colleagues that were also very loud and pushy. Intimidating. At times, annoying. Some were old, reminding me of the set up in international newsrooms where journalists are older. The 24 year-old me then was timid and emotional…but zealous and curious. I was impressed however by the female journos that oozed energy and passion.
The truth about the media industry is that there was a time when it was male-dominated. Women were thrown into light beats and strong ones were tackled by males. Though it was the case with Guardian/Sun then, seeing the likes of Phemelo Ramaribeng nee Ramasu pursue News was encouraging. Her human interest stories to a larger extent contributed to my love for Human Rights issues.
I worked under the leadership of great men who all shaped my career in special ways. The likes of peculiar Mpho Dibeela who has since gone into newspaper ownership; Mike Mothibi, the sophisticated writer with a passion for farming; courageous Abraham Motsokono who called a spade a spade and not a big spoon; fatherly Ernest Moloi who helped build resilience in me; Mbazo, woman of the board who leads tenderly but with a stern posture; Justice Kavahematui with a very calm demeanor; Joe Brown-Tlhaselo the perfectionist who pays attention to every detail in the paper – in fact it was Joe-Brown who welcomed me the first day by offering me a chair and lunch! And then there is Boitshepo Balozwi, my editor-turned-friend who every now and then blesses me with pearls of wisdom when ‘the devil wants to lie,’ as well as Dikarabo Ramadubu, our moving encyclopaedia.
Still under this list falls Beatrice Mbulawa, the magnificent General Manager who came with a unique style of managing a media house as a finance-steel lady. Joel Konopo and Ntibinyane Ntibinyane have always been deep hence their now establishment of the bullish INK Centre for Investigative Journalism. In 2012, they took me to Amabunghane Centre for Investigative Journalism in South Africa where my mindset changed altogether. That was an investment that I will always use in my Journalism. Douglas Tsiako also deserves recognition for always believing in me. Special mention of Ditiro Motlhabane for always putting me on my toes about my stories as my News Editor.
My colleagues across every department in The Guardian/Sun throughout the decade, both new and old, have been fascinating. The team is a rare, winning breed. Group dynamics is as real as it gets but I can say unfazed, that I learn a lot from every single individual in our newsroom. The energy here is right. It’s amazing.
So much can be said about my decade in our newsroom. Perhaps, my number one lesson is that of servitude. Journalists are servants. They should serve. At church we say EBENEZER – Thus far the Lord has brought me. Thank you.
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